Show, Don't Tell - II
Use vivid descriptions and actions to convey emotions and events, avoiding direct statements
In this series we are attempting to write a short story with the assistance of generative AI tools. Familiarise yourself with the narrative overview before reading on. Now we are stepping through each plot line.
We’ve covered Setting, Theme, Conflict, Points of View, Character Development for the protagonist, character development for secondary characters and plot in previous articles.
Storyboard II
Let’s create and work through some more details of the plot so we can build up a visual for the second scene when Pandi's ATM card doesn’t work at the station
Our protagonist, Pandi has arrived at Aluva train station after purchasing the wrong ticket
Desperately low on cash, her first idea to remedy the situation is straightforward - she’ll just buy another ticket back to Kochi and correct her mistake.
Pandi attempts to withdrawal money from an ATM but her card doesn’t work.
Collaboration
We’re after a description that increases the tension engaging the reader’s empathy
ChatGPT starts a little clichéd and includes words like the phoney sounding cacophony, however the second paragraph is impressive and has captured that increasing tension very well
The clatter of the Aluva station grates against my thoughts as I stand, bewildered, clutching the wrong ticket. The meager weight of my wallet sits heavy in my pocket, a stark reminder of my dwindling funds. Undeterred, I plot a simple course of action: return to Kochi, start over. The solution seems as clear as the monsoon sky after a storm, yet as I approach the ATM, a twist of fate turns my clear skies murky. The machine whirs, a mechanical cacophony that ends not with the expected shuffle of notes but with a blunt denial. My card, rejected. Panic prickles at the edges of my composure.
I retreat to the worn plastic of the waiting area seats, my mind racing as fast as the ceiling fans above. Options, alternatives, any viable plan – they all seem to blur together into an indistinguishable mass of impossibility. The station buzzes around me, indifferent to the small tragedy unfolding in its midst. I'm a ship adrift, caught in the current with no sail, no oar, and the shoreline fading fast into the distance. What now?
Grok’s “familiar embrace” line is similarly banal and the first paragraph uninspired, however things warm up in the final paragraph where Pandi starts to brood over her predicament
As I stepped off the train at Aluva station, the bustling noise of the crowd and the warm air enveloped me like a familiar embrace. I was Pandi, a young woman with a name derived from the Wunambal language, and I had just made a huge mistake. I had purchased the wrong ticket and was now stranded in a place I hadn't planned on being.
Desperately low on cash, my first idea to remedy the situation was simple: I would just buy another ticket back to Kochi and purchase the correct one. I searched for an ATM, hoping to withdraw some money to make this happen. My heart pounded in my chest as I approached the machine and inserted my card, only to find that it didn't work. My stomach sank, and a wave of panic washed over me.
I stumbled over to the passenger waiting area, my mind racing with thoughts of what to do next. I sat down, feeling defeated and overwhelmed. The other passengers bustled around me, oblivious to the turmoil in my head. How could I have been so careless? How would I get back to Kochi? My thoughts spiraled, and I felt tears well up in my eyes. The tension and worry consumed me as I struggled to find a solution to this unexpected problem.
First Attempt
Let’s combine the best of both of these into our own telling of the narrative
As the train pulled away, leaving me behind at Aluva station, the reality of my predicament sank in with the fading echo of its whistle. Here I was, clutching a useless ticket to a destination I did not intend, my wallet embarrassingly light, mocking my oversight. A simple resolution had formed in my mind – to return to Kochi and rectify my error. But as I slid my card into the ATM, that plan crumbled like dry clay. The screen flashed and my heart sunk as the expected shuffle of notes gives way to a blunt denial. My card, rejected. A panic, a cold rebuff to my already fraying nerves prickles at the edges of my composure.
With a tight chest, I made my way to the waiting area, my mind a whirlwind of anxiety and calculations. People flowed around me, a river of commuters each on in their own journeys, none privy to the sense of isolation that clung to me. I was an island in their midst, caught in the throes of a silent crisis. The idea had been so straightforward: another ticket, a simple withdrawal, and I'd be back on track. Now, seated on the hard plastic chair that seemed to amplify the turmoil within, I felt the weight of every glance from passersby, each one a reminder of my vulnerable state. The worry gnawed at me, a relentless tide, as despair whispered through the lively human mosaic of the station. What was my next move? How does one navigate when every direction points towards uncertainty?
OK, admittedly “like crumbled dry clay” was rushed and may not make the final cut! However this does capture everything we wanted and tension has escalated with the telling
Let’s try to visualise this, a thumbnail sketch of the scene
The visual storyboards capture the emotional arc of the narrative. Pandi’s body language reveals her internal state, the nuanced expressions of other characters that provide context to the protagonist's isolation, and the detailed environment of the train station could contribute to the atmosphere of tension and urgency.
Are there still further details to be clearer in our storytelling?
Grok suggests
Adding more emotional depth to Pandi's character by including her thoughts and feelings about her situation. This will help the reader connect with her on a deeper level and create a more compelling narrative.
Exploring the setting of Aluva train station in more detail, describing the sights, sounds, and smells to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader.
ChatGPT expands on this, suggesting
Flashbacks or Internal Monologue: Weave in brief flashbacks or internal monologues that offer insight into Pandi's motivations for her journey, providing a richer backstory and emotional depth without diverging from the story's main narrative.
but goes a step further to remember to be cautious about
Overly Descriptive Passages: If there are any sections that delve too deeply into descriptive details without serving the plot or character development, they might be candidates for removal to maintain pacing.
Repetitive Elements: Any repetitive thoughts or actions by Pandi that don't serve to escalate the tension or contribute to the plot could be streamlined to keep the story taut and focused.
Our next article will provide an opportunity to see if these suggestions can create a more engaging and well-rounded story as Pandi sits in the passenger waiting area, feeling worried
Thanks
ChatGPT and Grok were used to tease out the details related to this second storyboard, a sample interaction:
