Show, Don't Tell - III
Use vivid descriptions and actions to convey emotions and events, avoiding direct statements
In this series we are attempting to write a short story with the assistance of generative AI tools. Familiarise yourself with the narrative overview before reading on. Now we are stepping through each plot line.
We’ve covered Setting, Theme, Conflict, Points of View, Character Development for the protagonist, character development for secondary characters and plot in previous articles.
Storyboard III
The plot line Pandi sits in the passenger waiting area, feeling worried is a simple description of a contemplative scene that can act as a quiet interlude to offer significant insights into Pandi's background.
We can underscore her vulnerability by contrasting how far she is away from home, even perhaps a realisation how much she is missing her best friend Tili. With thoughts drifting to her past experiences, perhaps she could reflect on similar situations where she has felt lost or out of place. These memories can offer glimpses into her upbringing, her resilience, and the life events that have shaped her into the adventurous yet inexperienced traveler she is.
Her worried state, contrasted against the backdrop of a bustling station, can emphasise her isolation. Descriptions of her physical actions—fidgeting with her ticket, avoiding eye contact, or hugging her bag tightly—can further illustrate her discomfort and unease, making her relatable and eliciting empathy from the reader.
This moment of worry sets the stage for upcoming interactions. It primes the reader for a change in pace or a pivotal event. The narrative tension builds as she sits in the waiting area; her stillness amidst the station's chaos becomes a focal point of potential energy. It suggests a brewing conflict or the approach of a significant character who will alter the course of her journey.
Collaboration
Let’s convert these thoughts into an image to see if we can draw out some more details for our descriptions, elaborating on the situation Pandi finds herself in
A nice little touch here where some plants remind her of flowers from back home and a photograph remind her of Tili
Here the bustling crowd of the train station waiting area seeming to reinforce how lonely circumstance can make us despite being surrounded by humanity
And here, trapped in thoughts of the past are blocking action that would make her future, perhaps needing a jolt from a friendly stranger?
Grok takes this scenario and once again uses cacophony….large language models seem to love that word! We’ll need to ask it to not use that word in future prompts. With that said there are some nice moments here that get us closer to the contemplative scene we are after. Special memories of Tili and a reflection of home are well stated.
I sit here in the passenger waiting area, the cacophony of the bustling station a stark contrast to the silence in my heart. The worry is palpable, like a heavy blanket draped over my shoulders. I clutch my ticket tightly, a lifeline to the next stage of my journey, but it feels more like a tether to a world I'm not quite sure I'm ready for.
Tili's face flashes in my mind, a bittersweet reminder of home. Oh, how I miss her, the only person who truly understands me. I can almost hear her laughter, feel the warmth of her hand in mine. It's a comfort, but it only underscores how far away I am, not just in distance, but in experience.
My thoughts drift back to Kalumburu, to the red-dust roads and the wide-open skies. The familiarity of it all tugs at me, making my heart ache with a longing I didn't know I could feel. I'm so far from home, so far from the safety of what I know. The realization settles over me, heavy and unyielding.
But I am more than my fears, I remind myself. I am the product of my past, the sum of experiences that have led me here. I am resilient, I am strong, I am brave. I can feel the truth of it in my bones, even as my fingers tremble around my ticket.
I take a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs, and let it out slowly. The world around me comes back into focus. The station, the people, the journey that lies ahead. The worry is still there, but it's tempered now, a quiet companion rather than a deafening roar.
I am ready, I tell myself. I am ready for whatever comes next.
ChatGPT further details the scene, and while there are some butchered lines here (contrasting the heat of India to warm breezes of Western Australia?), the visual of hugging the bag closer provides a nice first step into describing Pandi’s almost overwhelming concern. The invented dialogue here is a nice touch too, and actually surprised me. I enjoyed this response. It reads well.
The murmurs of the crowd at Aluva station swell around me, a stark contrast to the quiet nights back in Kalumburu. Tili's laughter echoes in my memory, a soothing balm against the tightness in my chest. She'd find amusement in this chaos, in my predicament, with her easygoing chuckles and that knowing look in her eyes, as if she could unravel any knot life tied. I can almost hear her teasing voice, "Got lost again, have you?" But her voice is miles away, and I'm here, feeling the heat of India rather than the warm breezes of Western Australia.
I hug my bag closer, a meager shield against the vastness that separates me from the comforting red dirt and sprawling baobabs of home. Here, in this teeming station, the sense of vulnerability clings to me more stubbornly than the sweat on my back. It's as though I've stepped onto another planet, one where every step takes me further away from the rugged cliffs and the lazy afternoons spent wandering with Tili. Each clack of the train wheels on the track is a reminder — I'm a world away from the safety of home, from the friend who would make me believe I could navigate any adventure, no matter how daunting.
The knot in my stomach tightens as I recall her words the day I left, "Trust your feet, Pandi. They'll find a way." But what if they can't? What if this time, I've strayed too far, and there's no familiar path to guide me back? The station's din rises, and I feel smaller, adrift in an ocean of faces, languages, and lives that move with purpose while I sit, paralyzed by a single misstep. Tili, if only your fearless spirit were here to guide me.
First Attempt
Let’s combine the best of these responses and some of our own ideas into our own telling of the narrative
Amidst the relentless hum of Aluva station, I find myself anchored to a bench in the waiting area, my gaze lingering on a cluster of flowers nestled near a pillar. They're not quite like the ones back in Kalumburu, but their vibrant burst amidst the grey concrete evokes a pang of nostalgia. Home - with its red-dust roads and wide-open skies, is literally a world away. A photo of Tili on my phone catches my eye, her grin a stark contrast to the knot of worry tightening in my stomach. Her image, usually a source of comfort, now amplifies the distance between us, highlighting the solitude that clings to me despite the sea of humanity around me.
Roiling in that ocean is a stark reminder of how alone one can feel even in a crowd. It's as if the bustling throng of passengers accentuates the emptiness, a void Tili's absence has magnified. Her laughter, a memory now, seems to echo in the recesses of my mind. I can almost feel the warmth of her presence, another bittersweet reminder of home. The sense of being so far removed from familiarity, the safety of what I know, weighs heavily on me.
My fingers tremble around the ticket, the physical manifestation of my journey, yet it feels like a tether to an unknown world I'm only beginning to navigate. I take a deep breath, letting the air fill my lungs, grounding myself in the moment.
The world around me sharpens into focus — the station, the people, the path that lies ahead. The worry, ever-present, now feels like a quieter companion, a part of the journey rather than its defining feature.
Our description hopefully captures Pandi’s internal struggle as she reminisces about her hometown and Tili, emphasising the emotional weight of her situation. Her journey from worry to a more resolved state, despite the lingering anxiety, is about to receive a jolt in our next scene where An optometrist who is running a popup clinic approaches and offers help.
Thanks
ChatGPT and Grok were used to create the storyboard for this scene. Sample interaction:
